I have always tried to keep myself a nice queen, trying to solve problems diplomatically rather than racing in, screaming and shouting in a huff. If we all just smiled a little more I am sure things would run so much more smoothly.

Up until recently that has been going okay, I thought. I recently did a personality test with a University student and I was told that with all the pent-up anger I have, one day I will sneeze and my head will blow off. So what have I done to reduce the chance of head explosion?

Well, I have decided to start a Shithouse File. And let me tell you it has been ripped right open. Anyone can have one, it’s very easy. All you need to do is write down whatever gives you the shits on, say, a notice board or even an newspaper article. And believe it or not you will find quite a few people will agree with what you have written down and before long solutions will be found or a good bitch session will be had.

Here’s the beginning of the Shithouse File.

l Why in lord’s name would Coles Express be called Coles Express? There is nothing express about it, you are lucky to get more than two check-out chicks on at any one time. And if you do, the queue is so long it takes 45 minutes just to see them.

l Why do all of Sydney’s drag community have to comment on the silly actions of one? The old saying, Any publicity is good publicity, looks to be really running overtime in this case. The person did something wrong, kick her up the arse and move on.

l As for last week’s article on Sydney’s finest drag queens, wouldn’t you think that the finest interviewed in the article would have been pictured? Congratulations on the photo, girls, but I have to ask, why?

l Canned vegetables? Shithouse!

l Grumpy security guards really give me the shits. If you don’t like the job, do something else. People might start coming back into your club if they were met with a friendly face.

l Boys who are straight acting but still end up at the Shift or Stonewall with their shirts off dancing up a storm to Britney.

Well, I think I am sort of done for the moment. You know my head does feel a little lighter. See, it works -“ either that or I need to eat again.

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