I recently read a social etiquette book written by Countess LuAnn de Lesseps of The Real Housewives of New York City fame. I was shocked that the Countess had forgotten to include the social etiquette when attending a sex-on-premises venue (SOPV).

I am unsure what circles she runs in but I know some of my friends could do with some SOPV social etiquette training.

Therefore I am crowning myself the Duchess of SOPV etiquette and as such it is my duty to provide all my loyal subjects with three simple but essential SOPV etiquette rules.

The three simple rules are no means no, politeness is always welcomed, and invitations are required.

No means no. We have the right to say no to anyone and to anything, and others also have this right. This can include saying no to kissing, sex, giving out your name and number.

There is nothing which forces you to engage in a behaviour if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. You can always stop when you want to. Respect others’ rights to do the same.

Politeness is always welcomed. Being polite is a social norm we should all expect from each other. Just because we now lack most of our clothes does not mean we should now also lack the most basic of manners.

If someone is trying to pick you up and you are not interested, simply saying “No, thank you”, in a polite and subtle way can let them know to look elsewhere. Being rejected loudly in a public space can be embarrassing and with only a towel it can be difficult retaining your dignity.

Similarly if someone is not interested in you, simply say “No worries”, and move on to the next intended conquest.

Invitations are required. Conversation at a SOPV is the last thing on most people’s minds and you will never hear discussions about health care reform or refugee policies.

Therefore, when it comes to hooking up, most of the conversation is subtle or non-verbal, such as eye contact and lightly brushing the hand against someone. If the person responds positively, that signals they’re interested and you have received the required invitation to play.

By following these three simple etiquette rules you and your playmates can have a fun and socially appropriate time. So go forth and play, my loyal SOPV subjects.

By Adam Hynes

info: www.protection.org.au

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