Coming in from the cold

Many new arrivals to the Sydney gay scene say it’s hard to break past the unseen barriers.

One 24-year-old newcomer, Calvin, spent the last four years studying and working in Adelaide but found Sydney a far greater challenge.

This is so much crazier, bigger, scarier, he said.

It’s rough getting started. You can see all the rainbow flags and guys holding hands on Oxford Street, but don’t know anyone.

Exploring the clubs and bars, Calvin said going out dancing and drinking was the fun side of meeting new people.

The drinking helps; it’s amazing how much more comfortable you are when you’re drunk, he said.

I’m sure it’s possible to make friends that way, as opposed to an alcohol-free environment, but I don’t hold my breath. It’s so loud anyway.

Calvin said he’s been using online chat like Gaydar for the past few weeks to meet people, but found it limiting.

The guys I’ve met online have pretty much just been about hooking up, but nothing cerebral -“ it’s all just physical. Outside the bedroom we don’t have anything in common, he said.

But you can’t not go to those sites -“ it’s a little window of fresh air when you’re so secluded because you’re gay and feeling so alone.

Back in Adelaide, Calvin said he had made friends through the internet after being invited to a birthday party.

I lost touch with that first guy but made contacts with some of his friends. Getting that first invite probably was the hardest part, he said. It’s so different going into a chatroom, you’re not physically there, the rejection is just an unanswered comment and that’s it.

Calvin said meeting people through university or community groups was more daunting.

The city does offer you stuff, other ways to meet people, but I haven’t had the courage to take that up yet.

The pressure, rocking up on your own, it’s really hard. I wouldn’t feel comfortable.

David Moutou from Twenty10 said young people who wanted to meet someone like themselves were often disappointed by their forays online.

We would encourage trying places like MySpace rather than Gaydar, there’s more diverse reasons for why you might be there, and less assumptions.

Chris Wilson, from the Gay and Lesbian Counselling Service, said chatrooms make many people feel uncomfortable when they’re looking for someone to go the movies with.

If you know how to use them, a lot of it’s there for sex, he said. We chat to callers about their experiences and we also go through the pros and cons.

If someone wants to find sex that’s not a problem, we can direct them. Otherwise they’re not the best thing for their social or emotional wellbeing.

Wilson said a large proportion of callers reported problems of loneliness and isolation from the gay community.

It’s hard to connect even when you’re so close, he said.

Many don’t feel part of the Stonewall set or whatever pub you’re going to and not everyone wants to hit the party scene or the sex scene.

Wilson said community groups were often a better way to ease into the scene.

There are a whole lot of support groups that can provide the first steps or more comfortable steps into enjoying the gay community.

The best thing people can do is pick up the gay newspapers or connect with those resources online and look at the community groups.

After that we’d find out what their interests are and connect them with a whole variety of groups that are here like the tenpin bowling club and reading clubs.

Wilson said lots of people attend venues to forge social connections rather than have a party time.

Certainly the pubs are full of nightly events like trivia and other things, he said.

We talk to them on the phone about their apprehension, how someone would talk to them, how to approach having a conversation with someone.

But if they’re still going through the coming-out process, Wilson encouraged them to seek a coming-out group or ACON-run group first.

The hardest thing to do is to go out to a gay bar for the first time, he said.

If that’s what they’ve decided to do, we’d go through a piece-by-piece process of what might happen -“ often people feel more comfortable when they know what to expect.

If they’re young and gorgeous they’ll often be de-clothed a number of times before they get to the bar -“ which can be very confronting for somebody.

Wilson said that while the gay community can be very supporting, there can be some negativity around that people need to be prepared for.

Volunteering can a good way to meet people too, he said.