Eurovision

If anyone needs any further evidence that Europeans are weird this week should provide plenty of it. The annual camp cringe-fest that is The Eurovision Song Contest is back -“ and bigger than ever.

Last year’s competition had everything: the lowest of the lows, the highest of the high. The Belgians invented a language. The Germans entered an older lady. And the British, famously, didn’t sing their way out of a paper bag, and didn’t score a single point.

This year Eurovision promises so much: so much mutilation of the English language; so much shocking wardrobe; so much smiley smiling. There’ll possibly be a few good songs, maybe even some new pop legends, like previous entrants ABBA, Bucks Fizz, Celine Dion or Katrina and the Waves. But most Australians will be watching for the tragic, the tone-deaf, and the just plain bizarre.

For example: Estonia. The Estonian entry in Eurovision 2004 is a group of women who dress in matching, kind of Druidish outfits. They’re called something unpronounceable (it translates into The Lasses) and sing something unpronounceable (it translates into The Way). They sing in the ancient and intriguing-sounding South Estonian language and are backed up by a percussionist called Peter, who they describe as an attractive man with smashing arms, and horn-headed like Pan. No shit.

A translation for those who don’t understand said ancient and intriguing-sounding South Estonian language: Woke myself up/ In the morning/ While the rooster sang/ I was off and the gate left open/ Let others come along.

Other potential highlights: Lithuanians Linas and Simona have employed a team of street mimes to help them perform their entry What happened to your love? and Zeljko Joksimovic and the Ad Hoc Orchestra from Serbia and Montenegro are laying their animal preferences bare with their entry Oh My Fawn.

In terms of eye candy, the French Pop Idol winner Jonatan Cerrada is way prettier than Celine Dion. Greece’s Sakis Rouvas is a bit dreamy. And Israel’s David D’Or is less gross than Germany’s mono-browed Max. But in terms of self-confidence, it’s hard to beat Deen, the robotic-looking blonde entrant from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Deen is choosing not to perform his first solo single I am the Wind of Love in favour of the more contemporary In the Disco. Deen says he loves our Kylie Minogue because Kylie’s so sexy. She’s like me.