Live, middle-aged and grumpy

It was a few hours into an epic 2002 BBC Eurovision special that British comedian Jenny ?lair had a personal epiphany: She was not, in fact, a gay man.

It was one of those things where you start absolutely full of excitement, waving your flags, and then three hours later you’re thinking, -˜Oh, for fuck’s sake, will you shut up with your stupid Cossack disco dancing and sub-standard KISS makeup,’ she says.

I was slumping. It all merged into one hellish cacophony of nonsense. And that’s when I realised I was not a gay man.

Before then I’d had my doubts, certainly.

Gender and sexuality sorted, ?lair became one of the grumps on the BBC’s Grumpy Old Women, the talking heads program recently featured on the ABC. And now she’s one of three women bringing a stage version of the show to Australia.

Fans of the show might wonder how the off the cuff style of the show works in a live setting. ?lair has the answer -“ it doesn’t.

The TV show is entirely unscripted -“ it’s just catching women at their most pissed off, and letting them whinge on, she says.

But you’ve got the luxury of editing, so all of the dull rubbish gets cut. I don’t think three women could get on stage and ad lib in front of 2,000 people who’ve paid a lot of money. While it might be vaguely amusing to just have women burbling on, it’s a bit arrogant to expect people to like it.

So, in a piece of theatre for those who hate theatre, ?lair, fantastic, bosomy school mistress Dillie Keane and Birds Of A Feather star Linda Robson -“ or posh, everywoman and bonkers, as ?lair calls them -“ have scripted a play full of their top-shelf complaints. Not a hard job, according to her.

Whinging is the female condition, she says, happily.

It transcends country of origin and age. It’s a female priority and gives us something to wallow in and enjoy. It’s kind of like a lifelong hobby, really.

Let’s face it, most women as soon as they’re born lie there thinking, -˜Well, is this it? This is crap.’

Grumpy Old Women is showing at the Capitol Theatre from Tuesday 17 April. Tickets are on sale now through Ticketek at www.ticketek.com.au.